There's a beauty territory that I am just not adapted for, one that, by birth, didn't have my name on the guest list and the whole tanning shebang is a sign-in sheet I couldn't see myself nearing in fear of receiving a grim expression accompanied by a curt shake of the head from a burly man dressed in black guarding the entrance. Alike to the coming-of-age entailing my experimentation with false lashes, I am a total unaware human being who cannot complete the simple tasks of superior women. Me, being the risk taker that no one knows me by and possessing a general desire to open my mind to the summer months, they never did anything to me (except not let me sleep, make me sweaty for work, limit my fashion choices), thought to hell with it; let's give 'em the same benefit of the doubt I would anybody else.
All that taken into account; I popped onto FeelUnique, added the Rimmel Sun Shimmer Instant Tan in Medium Matte into my basket and had it show up the next week. Take notice of the 'instant tan', after deliberation I decided I possess too many moronic tendencies to commit to something that would stay put through a wash or two and spoiler: I was right.
Continuing patterns of distrust saw me shopping for a $5 Kmart mit which was soon after paraded around by curious family members during a surprise family lunch at my place. 'Surprise', here, means receiving a 9am text message from my mother asking if I was "home for lunch because I have arranged a family get-together at yours"; "oh, and I need you to get tomato sauce, butter, canned asparagus, pickled onions and a flounder". The latter three are a lie.
It was 7pm on a Tuesday, I had a YouTube marathon built in my watch later playlist and a usual lack of plans for the following day; and all that combined obviously means it's time to whip out the instant tan and saunter my freshly golden pins around for no one other than my flatmate to catch a glimpse of on her way through the kitchen, no?
I have to say the whole give your body a layer of colour until you no longer get mistaken for Wednesday Addams was a little fun, like paint by numbers, no, paint by limbs. The Rimmel Sun Shimmer goes on a charm if you know what you're doing - I managed only two streaks, one on the underside of my left forearm and one the back of my right leg, and that's saying something. Either I should have more faith in my womanly duties or this stuff is just generally easy. I'm not putting money on the former. The colour, too, is just the right level of olive and sun kissed that should see me afforded entrance to that aforementioned exclusive beauty club. Not that I will be now after that mention of 'sun kissed'.
The packaging mentions water resistance; I'm not sure if Rimmel's definition of water resistant means any line of liquid that happens to fall down your arm will cause slight streakiness, but if it is then they're on the right track with their descriptions. Other than those added few lines of mishap down my left wrist, somehow no matter what I'm drinking/eating, it doesn't always end up in my mouth, this stuff is pretty withstanding. I went to sleep that night and woke up without newly found, flesh toned sheets - thank God. My loss of innocence washed off that night in the shower and seeing the pigmented water run down the chain, I must say, was symbolic as hell.
I still don't think I'm ready for the whole stays-on-for-a-week ordeal, though in times where the legs and arms come out I will be reaching for this stuff and leaving the drinks in their respective coolers.